Hendrick...

I had the privilege of seeing my friend Josh's band tonight on 6th street. They put on a great show, three guitars (a la Radiohead) or two and a keyboard (a la Elbow), anchored by Josh's vocals. If you get a chance, check them out on myspace (click the pic). You Gon' Drown and Fit to Be Lonely are two of my favorite songs. They've got a new cd coming out (as Josh said at the show, "in the month of...soon"). So, if you like piano driven emotive rock, check 'em out. And if you're in Dallas, check their myspace and go to a show.

What's My Age Again?

I was talking to a friend on the phone yesterday, and he asked if I was beginning to feel my mortality. I responded "What mortality?"

Well, I didn't actually say that, but I should have, and I did think of it just now...so that counts for something doesn't it?

Of course I've considered my mortality, and what's more, I've actually had several near death experiences (2 by auto, 1 by chainsaw, 1 by horse).

Having had my entire life flash before my eyes a few times, I've always felt the need to make it more interesting than what I've observed.

To that end, I've always tried to learn new things and become more well rounded (at least intellectually).

Which is at least part of why I'm here in Austin.

But what is it like being twenty-three? I'm a little too old to be an undergrad (classified as an OTAS, "Older than average student" according to my friend, another perpetual student).

But what's wrong with being a perpetual student? Really, we should always be students in a sense, to stop learning is one form of death isn't it?

But I do feel distanced from most of the student body I've interacted with. It's like observing a child reasoning something out you learned how to do a long time ago.

But perhaps the one thing that makes me feel my age more than any other is how different my approach to my education has been compared to my peers.

While I try to absorb myself in the material and learn as much as I can from it, my classmates seem pretty disinterested, like the only thing they can get out of a class is a few credit hours.

This worries me, it used to be that college was the time that you explored new ways of thinking, read authors with wild ideas, and spent too much time primping your hair.

It would seem only the last is still true. A spirit of consumerism has infiltrated even the halls of higher education.

Well, hopefully when everyone's broke, they'll start to learn again, and maybe even think.

On that cheerful note, I'll leave you to your thoughts, if you have any.

Deconstruction as a Path to Reconstruction

A helpful introduction might be to run through some alternate titles I had for this entry. Grace: The Red-Headed Stepchild of Christian Theology, How I Learned to Stop Hating Myself and Hate the Christian Music Industry...

In an attempt to tie the last few posts together (considering the title of the most recent this might be pointless) I thought I'd consider losing the war on grace in the context of my feelings about worship, worship music, music, christian music, and the CCM industry.

Today's reference materials are The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right and my ever expanding sense of self importance (which is controlled by God's grace with frequent doses of humbling experience).

Introduction out of the way, I'll get started.

In order to shorten the length of this post, a drawn out biographical section has been edited out (meaning, although I thought about it, it wasn't actually written, because I'm too lazy).

When I led worship, starting out for our youth and finally the main service, I was consumed with how a song was played, with doing it creatively, singing it well, making it cool, having the right mood, etc. Basically, my main concern was with getting everything right.

And what happened when things went wrong? I was disheartened and frustrated at first, which gave way to newfound motivation to do better next time.

(if the bold gets on your nerves, I'm sorry, there's no way of telling how good a critical reader you are)

The "heart of worship" I had was one of performance.
I had to perform well in order to be justified in being a worship leader.

The problem (as I've stated in previous posts The War on Grace and Losing the War on Grace) was that I had forgotten I was saved by grace.

When the grace that was sufficient for the justification of my soul, ceased to be sufficient for the justification of my continued existence, I stopped worshiping God and started worshiping myself.

When you get past all the human layers of desire, autonomy, self-worth, or purpose you will have uncovered the source of all that is wrong with creation.

We don't want to be saved by grace, we want to earn our salvation. Why? That's a big question, but a short answer would be because it grants us value.

I don't want to worship God, I don't want to make less of me to point the way to him, I want to set myself up as a beacon of hope. I want to worship myself and to be worshiped by others.

Is there irony in the fact that I used being a worship leader to worship myself?

Of course, but there is unspeakable beauty in something else...

that God was gracious enough to use that upside down "worship leader" part of my life to humble me further, draw me closer to him, and show me the path to true worship.

It's almost like Romans 5:8 actually happens.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

This is starting to run long, I'll continue this discussion later.

Now For Something Completely Different...

I've been experiencing a spiritual revival of late, and it's provoked me to revisit worship music. I've started writing my own versions of some classics (Father I Adore You, Be Thou My Vision), as well as learning some new ones (God of this City, several Phil Wickham tunes). Here's my version (still in progress) of Father, I adore You. The lyrics aren't finished yet, but most of the music is set. Sorry it's so dark, but the audio was the main thing.

Original Video- More videos at TinyPic