A helpful introduction might be to run through some alternate titles I had for this entry. Grace: The Red-Headed Stepchild of Christian Theology, How I Learned to Stop Hating Myself and Hate the Christian Music Industry...
In an attempt to tie the last few posts together (considering the title of the most recent this might be pointless) I thought I'd consider losing the war on grace in the context of my feelings about worship, worship music, music, christian music, and the CCM industry.
Today's reference materials are The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right and my ever expanding sense of self importance (which is controlled by God's grace with frequent doses of humbling experience).
Introduction out of the way, I'll get started.
In order to shorten the length of this post, a drawn out biographical section has been edited out (meaning, although I thought about it, it wasn't actually written, because I'm too lazy).
When I led worship, starting out for our youth and finally the main service, I was consumed with how a song was played, with doing it creatively, singing it well, making it cool, having the right mood, etc. Basically, my main concern was with getting everything right.
And what happened when things went wrong? I was disheartened and frustrated at first, which gave way to newfound motivation to do better next time.
(if the bold gets on your nerves, I'm sorry, there's no way of telling how good a critical reader you are)
The "heart of worship" I had was one of performance.
I had to perform well in order to be justified in being a worship leader.
The problem (as I've stated in previous posts The War on Grace and Losing the War on Grace) was that I had forgotten I was saved by grace.
When the grace that was sufficient for the justification of my soul, ceased to be sufficient for the justification of my continued existence, I stopped worshiping God and started worshiping myself.
When you get past all the human layers of desire, autonomy, self-worth, or purpose you will have uncovered the source of all that is wrong with creation.
We don't want to be saved by grace, we want to earn our salvation. Why? That's a big question, but a short answer would be because it grants us value.
I don't want to worship God, I don't want to make less of me to point the way to him, I want to set myself up as a beacon of hope. I want to worship myself and to be worshiped by others.
Is there irony in the fact that I used being a worship leader to worship myself?
Of course, but there is unspeakable beauty in something else...
that God was gracious enough to use that upside down "worship leader" part of my life to humble me further, draw me closer to him, and show me the path to true worship.
It's almost like Romans 5:8 actually happens.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
This is starting to run long, I'll continue this discussion later.
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