Monthly Mixtape

August: Top Five Records

You can’t love pop music without keeping High Fidelity in one of the climate controlled places of your heart. John Cusack is the essential everyman (I just quoted a couple hundred movie reviews) and anything his characters believe or say is easy to identify with on some level. His constant top fiving throughout the movie has been copy-catted by thousands of would-be hipsters, aspiring indie darlings, and breakfast-clubbers, myself included. So, here is my desert island top five records, the five albums I could not live without or in this case, imagine living without. Since I don’t have the cyberclout to store five entire albums in the ether I’ll stick with ten songs, picking two from each album.

Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots – The Flaming Lips
Do You Realize? & Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell

There are many ways to peak as an artist. You can do it without anybody knowing it (like Emily Dickinson), you can do it on your first try (like Weezer), you can have a body of work so well loved that you never actually peak, you’re always considered golden (like The Beatles). With Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, The Flaming Lips peaked at a time nobody expected. In the music industry, a band doesn’t usually make their best album on the tenth try. The Flaming Lips must be the exception that proves the rule, because this is one of the greatest albums ever made.

Turn on the Bright Lights – Interpol

NYC & Leif Erikson

Turn on the Bright Lights was the album that shook me from the confines of “Christian” music. It was not the first “secular” music I heard, but it was the first full album I listened to on repeat for weeks, rather than random mixes from some tape of songs I recorded off the radio. Interpol’s music was coming from places I identified with deep down, but never expected to understand through a medium like music. This album turned my world upside down in a lot of ways.

Ok Computer – Radiohead

Let Down & No Suprises

Putting Ok Computer on this list probably deserves the classic line from Jack Black’s character in High Fidelity, “What’s next? The Beatles?” Radiohead is without a doubt the Fab Four of the 21st century and Ok Computer is their Sgt Peppers. However, unlike the Beatles, Radiohead is not a slam dunk band that everybody likes or even claims to like. They can be off-putting to a new listener, but if you hear the one right song, it’s like somebody threw some switch in your brain, and you suddenly become a die-hard fan. I didn’t like their music until I heard Let Down, which is still my favorite Radiohead song.

Funeral – The Arcade Fire

Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) & Wake Up

The Arcade Fire exceeded any listener’s expectations by releasing a note perfect debut album devoid of a single weak filler track, pretentious lyric or obnoxious guitar solo. Full of well-arranged instrumentation, thought provoking lyrics and passionate vocalization, The Arcade Fire’s debut was a joy to hear. The title Funeral was apt, as four of the five members of the band lost someone in their family during the recording of the album. As a result many of the lyrics confronted the themes intertwined with death and loss in ways that were sometimes hopeful but never sugar-coated, lifting an already excellent album into the stratosphere.

Figure Eight – Elliott Smith

Somebody That I Used to Know & Can’t Make a Sound

Elliott Smith has a reputation as a depressing singer-songwriter. And I guess there’s no denying that (he did kill himself). But his music has always been so well-written and executed that I usually get a pick-me-up from it. His lyrics are so good that I’ve said on more than one occasion that if you imagine that Bob Dylan could carry a tune without a bucket and had a lot more angst and you’d be imagining Elliott Smith. On Figure Eight Elliott moved beyond the simple acoustic setup of previous albums, adding electric guitars, drums, and keyboards on nearly all the tracks. Like Bob Dylan, when Elliott plugged in, he did some of his best work.

Juggling Act

I'm currently reading several great books at the same time, while studying Romans and preparing next month's playlist (top five records is the theme).

Nevertheless, my brain is suffering from ED, I seriously think my grey matter is unwinding. I'm hoping this will lead to some sort of union with "the force" where I cease to possess a physical body and live forever as a blue hologram.

In reality I'm just scatterbrained (can ya tell?). But I decided to throw together a hodge-podge of ideas from what I've been reading and studying.

First, can I ask an obvious question (in relation to the study of Romans) why is it that Paul is capable of being, at times remarkably succint and at other times, maddeningly vague? I'm too scatterbrained to pull in actual references but even after addressing my Roman's commentary (Stott) I'm no closer to understanding more difficult sections (Romans 9) and find the applications of several of the basic sections (Romans 1-4) to be hard to buy into.

But on to some of the books. The Reason For God by Tim Keller is the madnotes! I'm not sure if it's appropriate to combine a Kevin Smith reference with an apologetics book, but if it isn't...I never said I was appropriate, or family friendly. Anyway, the book is fantastic. Talk about a respectable and learned response to the skeptical age in which we live. GO BUY IT NOW.

The Overwhelming Power of Affection...

We never end a bad habit without starting a new one, one obsession/hobby is replaced with another.

Consider this trend...

Young guy into porn matures to date real woman, gets married, becomes a workaholic, retires and decides his years of experience have made him superior to everyone arround him.

Sex/wealth/wisdom and I skipped decades of sub-fixations and attractions that would crop up along the way.

You know how a smoker finally quits and half the time develops an eating disorder?

Our hearts are designed to be zeroed in on something,

Contrary to popular opinion, I don't think it's a mental abberation to need to smoke 2 packs a day, eat a couple gallons of ice cream before bed, drink a bottle of vodka til you forget your name, or have sex with a stranger to feel something.

We are designed for obsession, total unhealthy abandon...diving headfirst over heels into whatever gives us pleasure, saves us from our imaginary hell, or quiets the inner demons.

The truth is that anything will consume you if you want it to. You're just going to break yourself into smaller pieces if you try to fix your symptoms without addressing the fact that you love doing what destroys you.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart...

Do you see the yin-yang of that statement? Everything looks good, but it is eternity your heart longs for. You can't keep pouring matter into a black hole and expect to plug it like some sort of cosmic toilet. Only infinity can satisfy the maddening emptiness of eternity.

God has made us with an emptiness, King David compared longing for God like dying in the desert from dehydration...

Back By Popular Demand...

I'm always struck by the theological depth of secular art. For instance, The Dark Knight has a great parallel between the Joker, Batman, God, and Satan.

If you know anything about the nature of Batman (his one rule) and the Joker (his mission to provoke Batman by destroying everything dear to him) you have to ask yourself this question...

"Why does Batman let the Joker live?"

And now consider God and Satan, you could ask the same question. I love that the image of the Joker as some hammy comedian psychopath (with hammy comedian coming first and psychopath a distant third) was completely shattered by Heath Ledger's performance.

The script and his acting combined to bring a realization of the Joker's character to the screen that eclipsed even that of Frank Miller's graphic novel The Dark Knight Returns.

The excellence of the script is no suprise, Jonathon Nolan (the director's brother) cowrote with director Christopher Nolan, a collaboration last seen in the brilliantly inventive Memento.

Maybe we're looking at another brotherly duo? The Nolan brother's could be picking up Oscar's hand over fist next spring.

Why So Serious?

Probably because you didn't buy tickets to the Dark Knight, now stop reading my blog, go stand in line for a few hours so you can see the most amazing movie in 20 years.

Nobrainers...

"There is a thought that stops thought,

and that is the only thought that must be stopped."
-G.K. Chesterton

We live in a polarized age, the middle class is rapidly dissolving in every respect, moderate attitudes are virtually nonexistent. There are only the two extremes to choose between in every choice you can make. The idea that there is little that is black and white is now described with the color grey giving the idea of trying to be two-handed a negative conotation. We have two political parties that are supposed to represent our entire population?

Interestingly enough, current presidential candidate Barack Obama has been accused of adopting moderate positions to certain issues that alienate his liberal following and yet he is doubly condemned for it by his opposition. Society seems to have swallowed the idea that they can pick one side and that settles it.

Nobody wants to investigate any idea, study anything, or wrestle with difficult issues. I would be suprised if anyone made the effort to study Scripture with the dedication we see in eras of Christian Enlightment (the Reformation). Martin Luther said when he was preparing to preach over Romans to his congregation he found the Pauline text to be extremely challenging to understand, what was his response? "I beat Paul until he submitted" is how he described his coming to an understanding of Paul's letter to the Romans.

Now that sounds like an idea worth trying. But is anybody really going to wrestle with God in this day and age? We pray, in a half-assed way. Oh, God will respond yes, no, or not right now...and my circumstances will dictate his response to me...

Does anybody see how apathetic and lazy Christianity has become? Not that I'm singling out Christians (that's why I started with the cultural aspects of this concept). The idea that study and deep thought on Scripture would somehow be selfish or an ineffectual use of time is not something any Christian would endorse. But what is it they are condemning by rejecting the concept of seminarian study? I have heard from someone at one point or another in every church I've ever visited (and I'm including ones I visited once, this always comes up).

Nobody wants to think about anything, and they defend it by saying they're doers. But they aren't doing anything either, so really...they're just lazy.

Denominational Debauchery: Conclusion

I had a lot of material for my treatise on the Presby's. But I decided to scrap the fourth round (maybe it was the overwhelming influence of all those three point sermons I heard as a kid).

Why do you ask? Mostly because each consecutive entry has gotten harder to write, and not because there was a shortage of ridiculous aspects of any of the denominations I honed in on. I guess I realized more and more that doing one entry, summarizing the whole denominational issue would have been more productive and beneficial.

Besides, the Presby's "God's Smartest Children"...that's my team. The one denomination I haven't every held membership with but agree with the most as far as doctrine goes (the baptism of babies is the only thing that I find to be questionable so far, but I've only read the shorter catechism).

Is arguing over the whole Armenian/Calvinist thing unproductive? I would say yes, if that is all you're doing. But I think that in maturing your discipleship the question begs to be answered. If not directly, than at least the doctrines of the two sides should be mentioned as they will surely come up naturally (total depravity, predestination, atonement, sovereignty are good meaty doctrine for church-folk to chew on).

I'll stop trying to educate all you Armenians (my definition of an Armenian? A Calvinist who is still very early in the sanctification process...joke! aim your fiery darts elsewhere...seriously though, calm down ) long enough to wrap up the denominational debacle.

My point all along has been to say that our fractiousness as believers is not unbiblical, but our isolation from each other is.

Paul says it doesn't matter which baptism you follow, as long as it leads to Jesus. He doesn't discount the possibility of disunity he only condemns the self-righteous separatist nature of those who followed different "baptisms" (read denominations).

Stop getting behind a man, and making that your identity. Get behind the God-man and let him shine through you, identifying you as a true follower.

I don't think denominationalism will cease to exist. I don't know if I want it to. If you look at the denominations I mentioned they all were like pieces of a puzzle, if you fit them together they would combine to form a more effective Christ-glorifying whole.

The problem is that the puzzle pieces keep fighting amongst each other so nobody can see what the picture is that they create.

If you combined the doctrinal values of the Baptists with the discipling leadership of the Church of Christ, set it on fire in the Holy Spirit that works so powerfully in the Assembly's of God while growing deeper roots with the theological and Scriptural dedication of the Presbyterians you would have something that looked a lot more like Jesus (that sentence is a grammatical nightmare but I'm too tired/busy to sort it all out).

I'm either going to start working on transcribing the Gospel message in my own words (as I've started in my journal) or go over the 5 Calvin/Armenian doctrines. I'll probably do both but which one first? I don't know

I love you all...

Denominational Debauchery: Round Three

The Assemblies of God:
"God's Wackiest Children"

The Pentecostal movement is one that should be blamed, more than any other, for making Christians seem crazy.

Not that we aren't.

Good things first though, the Ass. of God has come up with more outside the box ways of reaching out to people than anything I've seen. Probably because believing in things like secret prayer languages and divine healing will always appeal to an outside-the-box thinker.

In California, the Dream Center (sounds creepy and new age right?) is pretty much the hub for outreach in the city of LA. They have some amazing ideas, my two favorites are their ministry to prostitutes where they give them white roses and share the Gospel. The other is just hilarious because it reminds me of entrapment, they get a mechanic, a minister and a driver and cruise the highways for broken down cars. They spot one, pull over and start fixing it while the minister delivers the Gospel. What's the stranded motorist gonna do? Run through the six lanes of traffic to the other side?

Now the problems.

If you look at the doctrinal statements of most major denominations you will find a some common core ideas, fundamental aspects of Christianity that even the "crazy" denominations hold to.

Pentecostal doctrine does not subtract from any of those basic elements. But it does add to them. It is in these additions where my biggest complaints rest.

They are divine healing and speaking in tongues as evidence of receiving the Holy Spirit.

Now, I don't doubt the existence of miracles or acts of healing. What I hate is the promotion of these things before Christ. If there is one consistent element in Jesus' ministry to the sick, diseased, and dying it is that forgiveness of sins is what they really needed. Any alleviation of physical ailment was secondary. Just like prosperity gospel, this emphasis on divine healing subjects God to man, using him as a bridge to something else. If you read the gospels, especially the story of John the Baptist (in Luke 7) it becomes pretty clear that the only thing we need to be fully satisfied in the Gospel is the love of the glory of God, by whatever means that may be best accomplished.

On the issue of speaking in tongues, I'm not against the idea of a secret prayer language, mostly because I've actually heard it. It was a powerful Spirit filled moment. I think people who debunk it obviously don't have the gift and should see it in practice before they start belittling. However the Ass. of God claim that when someone receives the Holy Spirit they speak in a tongue...anyone who hasn't has yet to receive the Spirit. Obviously I have a problem because I have the Holy Spirit, and I've never spoken in a tongue.

Should you doubt that I possess the Holy Spirit let me explain something...I'm on the internet at 4 am, completely alone and I have no inclination whatsoever to look at dirty pictures on the web. That addiction didn't just slowly die of old age and I didn't just all of a sudden lose the urge. For no reason other than I have a desire for things completely different than what I once desired am I writing for about an hour before going to bed every night...about Jesus.

So while the Assembly of God has made no shortage of emphasis placed on the Holy Spirit, they have in their obsession muddled their doctrine and broken the command to add nothing to scripture.

But then, haven't we all?

By the time I'm done, I'd hope that everyone could know that was the truth, not just read it and think, gee...that's an interesting idea.

Denominational Debauchery: Round Two

Churches of Christ:
"God's Meanest Children"

I've been asking this question of denominational members over the last few years, and it's for the most part proved helpful in either writing them off or identifying with them. Unfortunately for the Churches of Christ, the question is "What is your cliché? and the answer has almost unanimously been "We are the only one's going to heaven."

Apparently taking scriptures out of context, like "wide is the path that leads to destruction and narrow the path that leads to salvation" would have been a more appropriate answer to the question.

Of course, we ended our discussion of Baptists with the point that sectarian isolationism was what helped preserve doctrinal truths in the evangelical church. However, in the case of the Churches of Christ, sectarian isolationism has resulted in a combative attitude and a legalistic piety that has a lot of similarities, not to the first century church they cling to but rather the enemies of the first century church. Namely the Pharisees.

Claims that start with "You have to do this to be saved or you're not saved" always end up confusing the issue and rarely result in a relationship with Jesus.
Like I (meaning Matt Chandler said it and I ripped him off) said before, manipulation and control may sometimes achieve the desired result, but always at the expense of genuine relationship.

I don't want to seem like I'm being unfairly harsh towards the C of C, most of my jabs at the Baptists may appear light in comparison to these accusations.

But really, if you don't reach out because you think you're the only one who is right, or you don't reach out because you're uncomfortable with changing your methodology, you're still not reaching out.

The other thing the Church of Christ has to carry around as baggage is that ridiculous battle over instrumentation in worship. And the logic being that the first century didn't have musical instruments. Well, ok, if we did everything they did in the first century we'd all be sleeping with our moms, getting drunk during communion, and suing each other. The idea that the first century church was some sort of idyllic image of Christian living is absurd. You want to see a church that embodies first century values? We have them all around us. The only difference between this church and the first century one? Integrity, the sinful practices of the first century church weren't swept under the rug so they could appear pious and walk in self-righteousness. They didn't have any example to follow, they were the first draft so to speak. We however, have years of study, practice, and experience to look back on.

Next time we'll take a look at the Assemblies of God. If you removed the "embli" you'd get a better picture, but more on that tomorrow.

Denominational Debauchery: Round One

Baptists:
"God's Laziest Children"

If you've ever been to a Baptist service you might have noticed that, while it was outdated, it wasn't outdated enough to feel like the outdatedness had a purpose.

A Baptist church is one of the few places where they still use hymnals. I know most of you don't know what a hymnal is, because you're reading this on the internet.

Hymnal: a hardbound book somewhat like a bible full of songs that are at worst the 1920's version of a mashup combining spiritual lyrics full of bad theology with the music of raunchy vaudevillian show tunes and is at best filled with language that is so foreign and outdated that singing it is mind-numbing for the average layperson.

The use of the hymnal is just one example of an outdated ministry tool being clung to for purely traditional reasons. Now some traditions are valuable and should be clung to. But the reason that Baptists usually earn the title "God's Laziest Children" is because the reason for most of the outdated methods and liturgy in Baptist churches (KJV only, no projection screens, two services on sunday when nobody comes to the second that doesn't come to the first) the reason for all of this retro traditionalism is that the congregational power players (usually middle aged to "advanced in years") are uncomfortable with change. They are too lazy to learn a new way of doing things so that someone new might come to know Jesus.

I'll pause to say that maybe the popularity of the KJV in the Baptist church is that it is, like the use of latin in the Catholic church...incomprehensible. If the average layperson could hear and understand the words of the Gospel when they were preached...they might actually be convicted to do something other than disdain the consumption of alcohol or dancing.

My biggest problem with the Baptist denomination is that almost across the board they do not adhere to the Biblical example for church leadership, which is elder government. Instead we have the committee system. Which, for a denomination that is considered one of the pillars of the Republican party, is a very democratic system. And of course, it's completely un-Biblical. If you get a bunch of sinful people in a room, and put an issue to a vote, what is the chance that the decision will be governed by Scriptural authority? Almost no chance at all. If you look at Scripture there is no example where a congregational body is issuing correction. The apostle Paul who wrote 75 percent of the New Testament spends most of that time as one man yelling at thousands of church members committing every sin that had been thought of (and some that hadn't) . The number of people whose hearts are in the right place and have the years of experience to back it up are very few. Put those guys in charge have 'em spend most of the time praying and studying Scripture, and let them make the decisions. It seems like that has a chance, voting on whether or not you should change the color of the carpet is just asking for trouble. I used to hear stories all the time from the pulpit of how churches had split over silly issues like the chandelier or the color of the piano's finish. I don't know why it never occurred to them that if you don't let everybody vote, they can't really complain about it. It's also kind of humorous when a church has a 2 to 1 member-committee ratio. Kind of like how half the church is usually up on the stage on a mic at one point in the service or another.

To be fair, Baptists, for the most part, are not likely to end up confusing doctrinal issues. But the reason for their certainty isn't because of some clear understanding of the truth but a sectarian blindness to those around them, which is worthy of all the mockery that it recieves. By that I mean, saying things like "God said it, I believe it, that settles it" helps no one. If you are talking to someone who doesn't believe in God, how does that kind of thinking help you reach out to them?

I'll close by saying that, despite the fact that I will be spending this week mostly making fun of fundamentalists (I am a FUNdamentalist). We as the new generation of believers need to be grateful to our older brothers because if they had not developed that sectarian attitude back in the 60's we would probably mirror Europe. In other words, the passionate affection for the Gospel I possess now would not exist without those I will spend the week overtly mocking.

The Father doesn't look at the older brother pouting on the porch outside and say, Aww screw him. He goes outside and pleads him to come in and join the party with his prodigal brother.

Denominational Debauchery: Introduction

I was considering spending the week expounding on the thesis I hinted at in the Richard Dawkins interview post, but since I got no comments on that one, I'm going to just spend the week making fun of denominations. Why? Several reasons.

I sincerely believe that the basis for all denominational division and combativeness is the sin of pride. That whatever other motivations we may claim, the truth is that while most people will constantly church hop, they rarely cross denominational lines. The reason? Ignorant traditionalist pride...basically Party spirit for church people.

The only hope for any sort of unity will be the destruction of that pride and a return to humble return to the Gospel as our foundation (without addition or subtraction). And the only way Jesus ever humbles someone who is standing on the shaky foundation of pride is to openly mock them. Don't you just love how you can justify anything you want and still sound Biblical?

I don't think any of you are going to read Robert Lanham's book The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right even though you probably should, if only to learn some humility, so consider this a far less humorous version of that book.

Before I start pointing out some of the issues with denominations (like any good humorist, I'm an equal opportunity offender, I won't finish up the week by holding up one denomination as the one everybody should join) I want to say that behind the facade of attacking denominations my real target will be the crippling pillars of blind faith, arrogant tradition, and doctrinal fractiousness that permeates all denominations.

Also, don't think that because I'll be spending the majority of the time finding fault that I'm blind to the fact that all denominations of done some good in one way or another. Nobody needs to read this with the idea that I'm trying to get anyone to change their denominational affiliation. Just realize that the best answer to any question regarding your faith never mentions your denomination (because no person outside your denomination knows anything good about what your group has done, but the media has given a mountain of evidence that shows the damage your group has done). So, hopefully your answer to all questions regarding faith start and end with Jesus.

Blog Tour...

THE SIDEBAR:

I've been slowly adding more and more features to the blog, in particular, lists on the right sidebar that highlight past posts (music updates, videos, my story of the last 2 years), a slideshow of photos and my ever-expanding list of quotes (hopefully to one day be a viable alternative to Bartlett's).

Anyway, as the blog slowly becomes more robust and as (hopefully) newer people start reading, the sidebar will be a good way to catch up or give you a good idea of where to start.

Seeing as how my readership is small right now anyway, I'll probably end up posting something like this again at a later date (though the necessity of doing so is the same optimism that says I'll acquire more readers).

I am also considering compiling the monthly music updates into a zip file and letting people download them (Mixzips would be the name for it I guess?). If this is something that excites you the reader, feedback would be appreciated.

I Pity The Fool...

Lacey and I are going over this application for Criswell College, and there is a section where I’m supposed to state my vocational goal…for some reason, none of the options look that appealing, consider the following:

Religious Journalism? Nobody reads anything anymore, and I don’t really feel like trying to convert a bunch of second rate film critics and crotchety Dear Abby types.

Media Ministry? No, I don’t want to make Veggie Tales or cheesy Left Behind Movies. Although, being the guy who came up with F.R.O.G wouldn’t be too bad.

Recreational Ministry? What the hell is this? Play kickball for Jesus?

Military Chaplain? Uhhhhhhhh…no, you join the military to kill people, not to hold funeral services for every faith imaginable…

“Private Johnson was a follower of the First Church of Latter Day Freebasers?”

“I have just the right service for him.”

Evangelist? Hmmm, a little better, but planning to go into evangelism at the undergrad stage seems like setting yourself up for a sexual harassment lawsuit twenty or thirty years later.

Other? Yes, I want to be a bi-sexual acoustic guitar playing fitness guru who drives a Prius and only eats food from companies that somehow use the proceeds to cure AIDS and solve world hunger…for Jesus.

I’m going to have to take this to the top…

“Jesus, why do all the jobs you have for your people suck?”

“Dude, have you read about my career?”

All this makes me wonder, why does our team have so many losers on it? It’s like Jesus wants to do all the work himself or something…

If I were to be honest, I’d include this in my entrance essay. Probably under the topic labeled “Struggles in your Christian walk” now there’s a vocation I can believe in.

Watch this now...

If you didn't already realize...I'm obsessed with Stephen Colbert. His interview with Richard Dawkins (the new face of atheism) is hilarious and interesting. Watch for the point where after Dawkins seems to be "winning" Stephen recollects himself and lays out pretty lucid and coherent argument for why Dawkins' reasoning defeats itself.

Video Here

I would challenge any Bible believing Christian to try to get their head around atheist argument and evolutionary concepts in order to A: See that their faith rests on a firmer foundation and B: Learn how to reach someone who is actually lost, not just some friend that is dissatisfied with their church.

Love Your Neighbor's Wi-Fi As Your Own…

We’re poor, and by that I mean, we have enough money to live comfortably, just not enough to afford the necessities (22 inch rims, in-ground pools, LCD TV’s, cocaine…).

Therefore, we don’t have internet at home. Or at least, not internet that we pay for. As some of you may be aware, in this brave new world, the internet is everywhere (sorta like the Holy Spirit).

And one of our neighbors was savvy enough to get a high speed wi-fi connection, just not enough to put a password on it.

Of course, there are a few gimmicks, we only get reception in one corner of the house, and it’s spotty. Sometimes you can leave it in the exact spot where you know the signal is, and get no connection.

I’m coming to view this (Holy) ghost internet like Manna. If it was available all the time, I’d take it for granted, and wouldn’t appreciate those times when it works. Internet access isn’t really something you can store up for tomorrow, but when it comes and goes for no discernable reason you start to think there is one right routine that will make it work…

for example:

…I’ll be in the zone, ready to post some update, standing with my head cocked at a perfect 45 degree angle, one leg raised in the air, wiggling my left big toe like some Pilates guru…

When I remember the prophets of Baal. And I realize, this isn’t Manna, it’s just another idol I’m willing to sacrifice more to than Jesus. I’ve literally spent as much as an hour repositioning the laptop, changing where I sit…trying to get that digital fire to descend and light up my altar.

If it was this hard to read my Bible, I’d definitely be a Pilates guru.

Part Five: Real Love

That Love is all there is,
Is all we know of Love.
- Emily Dickinson

Marriage is a lot like going to see a band you really, really love for the first time.

You have their records, you’ve read about them, seen the airbrushed photos in Rolling Stone. You have all the lyrics memorized, you feel like you have a deep personal connection with the lead singer - who has written this poetry that holds a special meaning only you understand. You know deep down that despite their faults they’ve really just been misunderstood by a small-minded public who can’t possibly appreciate their brilliance. They aren’t the greatest band ever, (that’s the Beatles...duh) but they are close to second greatest…maybe even closer than Radiohead.

The band takes the stage…they look a little different then you imagined, not as trendily dressed as those pictures in Rolling Stone, they don’t seem as excited as you are…they seem, and this is almost unthinkable, bored.

After playing through a few songs where the singer forgets a couple words and hits a few wrong notes you begin to realize…your band, your favorite band...

…is awful. They don’t play your favorite songs, they screw up the ones you like. You spend the rest of the performance wondering what you were thinking all this time, being enamored with these…amateurs.

The show ends…

You leave having lost the ability to enjoy anything, driving home in silent defeat.

I expected Lacey to be the solution to my problems, the reliever of my headaches, the band-aid on scraped knees. I expected her to want to do everything I wanted to do, to be more clever than me, to enjoy my company when I felt like spending time with her and to leave me alone when I was busy obsessively playing the guitar, a video game, or watching a movie.

Of course by now you’re wondering…what on earth did Lacey see in me?

The answer is…we were both like that fan before the show. Except whenever we were together we were also the band…without any of the wrinkles, dressed in our photo-shoot best and ready to massage each other’s egos with a live performance worthy of being recorded by BBC.

The wool that is pulled over every newlywed’s eyes may not be as thick as the wool that was over our eyes (the wool over our eyes must have been woven out of bricks and the darkness of outer space).

I would like to take a moment to cut off anyone thinking some idiotic thought like “you obviously weren’t right for each other”.

Nobody is “right” for each other. We are all selfish egomaniacs devoted to the pursuit of our own desires at the expense of anything or anyone.

There are no two people that magically fit together; we’re all a bunch of bolt A’s trying to fit into slot B (yes…there is a kinky metaphor there, pervert).

The point is that my problems with Lacey and Lacey’s much more serious problems with me are not unique because of our youth or circumstances.

A good cliché to destroy would be “Wait for the one who is right for you” after all, aren’t divorces the result of married couple’s unmet expectations?

Praise God there was a third party involved in our married life…without the instruction and conviction of the Spirit I don’t know that I would have ever seen the depth of my depravity.

As it is the only reason Lacey hasn’t stabbed me to death with a kitchen knife is because every time I’ve neglected nurturing her or worse, shredded her with harsh, biting words…I’ve immediately realized how much I deserved instant painful death, and been destroyed by the guilt over how rampantly self-serving I am.

To this day I have to fight against my selfish impulses when she is in need. But you know what? The more times I put down the guitar when she asks for something, the easier it gets.

By God’s grace, there will come a day when I no longer need to be asked, I'll just know.

Part Four: Old+New+Borrowed+Blue

“Nowadays it’s hip not to get married,
I’m not invested in being hip.”
- John Lennon

So, seeing as how we loved each other (I won’t discuss how little we knew about real love…yet), Lacey was pregnant, and we were all good Protestants (although I guess the Catholic solution would be the same), we decided to get married.

This is where I have to take a moment to say that my mother-in-law, Angela, has a reputation of being very controlling and manipulative.And the reason she has this reputation is because, well, she is. Let me also say (before she reaches across the ether of cyberspace to pimp-slap me) that God made her that way for exactly the next few months before our wedding. I doubt there was another person who could have put together the wedding that she did in the time that she did (everyone who helped her, don’t feel snubbed, this is written by the groom, the most clueless of individuals about the details of wedding preparation) .

Needless to say the ceremony and reception have been called by several people I invited “the best wedding I’ve ever been to.” Now I don’t know what sort of wedding Lacey fantasized about having, or what wedding I would have wanted, but given that we had no time to waste over what we wanted, what we got was a better wedding than we could ever ask for, one we certainly didn’t deserve. The location was great, the music spot-on, the food delicious and the weather perfect.

I will never be able to repay any of the debts I acquired in regards to what so many people did for me and Lacey in those early months.

Editor’s note: Thanks to Ben & Ashley’s wedding invitation for this chapter’s quote.

Feeling pretty good right now...

This is one of those narcissistic posts where I tell you something simply because I'm thinking it. I'm going to share a quote from an email I got from a friend of mine...he's somewhat perturbed by my new found passion for Jesus.

"You come off as a suburban bro who has grown a set of testaments to better commune with his wealthy Zondervan-bound patrons."

Let me just say, that whatever people have said about me possessing some sort of writing ability, the sum-total of ability I've demonstrated pales in comparison to the cohesive brilliance of this statement.

I love the phrase "grew a set of testaments" If I'm in ministry, I'll use that one until the day I die.

Seriously, all you semi-believing Christians who want to hide your faith to look cool. Grow a pair and start living for Jesus.

Part Three: The Sound of Inevitability

“Are we not made for one another,
like notes of music,
though dissimilar?”
- Percy Shelley

After getting over the hurdle of telling my parents the truth, everything else kind of fell into place. Now I don’t want everyone to think that the reason for that is because I did the right thing. I didn’t do the right thing. Considering the circumstances I really just did the only thing I could have done for my survival. Even telling my parents the truth was an act of selfishness.

No, the reason that everything sense that day has been relative smooth sailing (I do mean to this day, though there have been road bumps) was because I was not in the driver’s seat. I have been going with the flow and up to that point I had been at war with everything.

My family, my friends, my body, my mind, everything was being engaged in combat of one form or another in order to be subjugated to my will. I dyed my hair, I wore clothes that didn’t fit (still do, it is something of a preference, besides being unavoidable. When your body is paper thin without being over six feet tall, you don’t fit anything except women’s juniors and boys 12-14). I espoused a slew of half-baked ideas in order to fit my faux-Christian attitude. But all that changed the day I told my parents the truth before they asked me to.

If you want to know about the particular elements of the miraculous that showed in the logistics and details of the next few months you should talk to my mother-in-law, who did a lot of the planning that brought some sort of possibility for a future out of the mess that everyone around her was making. I’ll get to more of my mother-in-law as a superhero later but for now let’s get back to some sort of coherent narrative.

I should probably start talking about how me and Lacey were sleeping together wasn’t just a physical thing. For a lot of people our age, it is purely physical. But we were two losers who, though we wouldn’t have put it that way, felt a little less disorganized and directionless when we were together. I don’t know what sort of moral fortitude or religious upbringing can withstand the force of passion that rose when we were together and was intensified by the loneliness we felt when we were apart. My relationship with Lacey was the only positive thing in my life (the lack of other positive relationships was my own fault, but that doesn’t change the fact that the only person I valued at that time was Lacey). And no moral fortitude had risen out of my religious upbringing.

All of this to say that though the circumstances of our wedding were shotgun in nature, for the two of us, the fact that we were in a situation where everyone was in favor of us getting married didn’t seem like a bad thing.

Part Two: I Get By With A Little Help From My Friend

“As God said to Job, Checkmate.”
-Stephen Colbert

In what could only be the act of a sovereign God forcing his will on my rebellious heart, it occurred to me to confess everything to my parents. I know this was God’s idea, because if I actually confessed this would be the first time I ever confessed anything preemptively. In the past, confession was something that was usually dragged out of me, and never brought me any peace. Which, considering that the whole point of confessing something is to reveal something hidden, it’s pretty obvious why I never benefited from those past “confessions”. I obviously never really confessed in the true sense.

I’m getting ahead of myself a little bit. The period between my knowledge of Lacey’s pregnancy and the night I told my parents what was going on was about three days. In that time I was going through a whirlwind of emotions. Rage against my stupidity and arrogance, self-loathing, frustration, fear (the expression abject terror would be more accurate), misery…

Let me pause to make a side note, I am an extremely self-centered person, I had not one thought for how Lacey was coping with the situation, or what she was going through. I think I remember being a little jealous that her parents already knew, but I was definitely not concerned – in that moment – for her.

…Back to me and my temporary insanity (although calling it temporary might be giving me too much credit). I was suicidal for most of the waking hours of those few days. I could feel the weight of the future rushing toward me (remember Indiana Jones and the rolling ball?) and the more I put off telling my parents the truth the more depressed I got. I guess that was a good thing, because if I stayed the same, I probably could have remained in darkness indefinitely (if 9 months is indefinite).

The bottom line is that by Wednesday I just couldn’t take it anymore, I was either going to go with my current choice of self-termination (I was favoring something dramatic, like Elliot Smith without all the mess) or tell my parents the truth. Seeing as how you’re reading my account of the events, I guess I can’t milk what choice I made for much suspense but you can’t blame for trying right?

It took me a while to get it out, but my parents are patient people, and they could tell something was up. Have you ever tried to tell someone something and your whole body just shut down? I was moving my mouth and words wouldn’t come out. I could barely think, I would start to say something and all the wind would just be sucked from my body. I started to turn red; I’d take a breath and try again. I was soaked with sweat and tears; the anxiety alone was exhausting. Looking back I think that was the moment of my exorcism, and the first real moment of honesty.

After I finally said it, and my parents responded with the love and grace I should have anticipated but never expected, I understood the power of facing the truth and began to take my first steps toward the bright future that would be born out of that darkness. I actually came to understand a lot of things over those three days.

I realized that I had the capacity for great evil, and that none of my potential for good was my own. That was not one of the biggest and deepest moments of relief I ever felt. I wouldn’t learn until much later that it should have been.

Think about it, if I had to depend on myself for the inclination to do good, what good was the guy who knocked up his girlfriend and spent three days contemplating murder, suicide, and cowardice ever going to do? But seeing as how I had somebody to push me in the right direction, and He had just came through for me in ways I couldn’t have ever anticipated, I was inclined to put the ball in his hands, for the first time in my life.

I learned how to identify with sinners that week, probably because for the first time, I acknowledged that I was one.

It would be a pretty cute story if that were the end of it, but just because I had confessed, been forgiven, and was on the road to redemption, didn’t mean there were no consequences…

Part One: Homicidal Tendencies

“If my thought-dreams could be seen,

They’d probably put my head in a guillotine.”

-Bob Dylan

I dropped the phone, or hung it up and then dropped it…it doesn’t really matter now and it definitely didn’t matter then. I had just gotten “the news” I guess the news is in the back of every sexually active guy’s mind, but I had actually gotten it.

I should have been expecting it; after all, if I had taken a moment to consider the past, there was history to give me reason to be concerned. But if there’s one thing that has proven itself over and over in my life, it’s that there is no limit to the lengths I can go to deceive, especially self-deceive.

My immediate response was to consider how I could continue my deception, and there is only one way to keep something like that secret and it was on my mind almost immediately. Calling it temptation would be to distort and caricaturize the fact that I had only one option to continue living a lie and I would not have hesitated to pursue it without consequence, if that were a possibility. That option was quickly removed from me and I would be lying to say it was my moral fortitude winning a victory over my selfish and evil desire for secrecy.

With abortion no longer a choice, my fevered brain scrambled to come up with some sort of solution and as a creative being, the solutions were mostly bizarre. Moving all my stuff out of my parents house and finding somewhere to stay until it all “blew over,” don’t ask me how it was going to blow over. Eloping to somewhere far away, kidnapping my girlfriend, dropping everything and moving as far away as possible. All the time the gracious forces were in action outside of my head and heart and they were slowly working things out for the best. But I was oblivious to everything but the thoughts in my own head.