Denominational Debauchery: Round One

Baptists:
"God's Laziest Children"

If you've ever been to a Baptist service you might have noticed that, while it was outdated, it wasn't outdated enough to feel like the outdatedness had a purpose.

A Baptist church is one of the few places where they still use hymnals. I know most of you don't know what a hymnal is, because you're reading this on the internet.

Hymnal: a hardbound book somewhat like a bible full of songs that are at worst the 1920's version of a mashup combining spiritual lyrics full of bad theology with the music of raunchy vaudevillian show tunes and is at best filled with language that is so foreign and outdated that singing it is mind-numbing for the average layperson.

The use of the hymnal is just one example of an outdated ministry tool being clung to for purely traditional reasons. Now some traditions are valuable and should be clung to. But the reason that Baptists usually earn the title "God's Laziest Children" is because the reason for most of the outdated methods and liturgy in Baptist churches (KJV only, no projection screens, two services on sunday when nobody comes to the second that doesn't come to the first) the reason for all of this retro traditionalism is that the congregational power players (usually middle aged to "advanced in years") are uncomfortable with change. They are too lazy to learn a new way of doing things so that someone new might come to know Jesus.

I'll pause to say that maybe the popularity of the KJV in the Baptist church is that it is, like the use of latin in the Catholic church...incomprehensible. If the average layperson could hear and understand the words of the Gospel when they were preached...they might actually be convicted to do something other than disdain the consumption of alcohol or dancing.

My biggest problem with the Baptist denomination is that almost across the board they do not adhere to the Biblical example for church leadership, which is elder government. Instead we have the committee system. Which, for a denomination that is considered one of the pillars of the Republican party, is a very democratic system. And of course, it's completely un-Biblical. If you get a bunch of sinful people in a room, and put an issue to a vote, what is the chance that the decision will be governed by Scriptural authority? Almost no chance at all. If you look at Scripture there is no example where a congregational body is issuing correction. The apostle Paul who wrote 75 percent of the New Testament spends most of that time as one man yelling at thousands of church members committing every sin that had been thought of (and some that hadn't) . The number of people whose hearts are in the right place and have the years of experience to back it up are very few. Put those guys in charge have 'em spend most of the time praying and studying Scripture, and let them make the decisions. It seems like that has a chance, voting on whether or not you should change the color of the carpet is just asking for trouble. I used to hear stories all the time from the pulpit of how churches had split over silly issues like the chandelier or the color of the piano's finish. I don't know why it never occurred to them that if you don't let everybody vote, they can't really complain about it. It's also kind of humorous when a church has a 2 to 1 member-committee ratio. Kind of like how half the church is usually up on the stage on a mic at one point in the service or another.

To be fair, Baptists, for the most part, are not likely to end up confusing doctrinal issues. But the reason for their certainty isn't because of some clear understanding of the truth but a sectarian blindness to those around them, which is worthy of all the mockery that it recieves. By that I mean, saying things like "God said it, I believe it, that settles it" helps no one. If you are talking to someone who doesn't believe in God, how does that kind of thinking help you reach out to them?

I'll close by saying that, despite the fact that I will be spending this week mostly making fun of fundamentalists (I am a FUNdamentalist). We as the new generation of believers need to be grateful to our older brothers because if they had not developed that sectarian attitude back in the 60's we would probably mirror Europe. In other words, the passionate affection for the Gospel I possess now would not exist without those I will spend the week overtly mocking.

The Father doesn't look at the older brother pouting on the porch outside and say, Aww screw him. He goes outside and pleads him to come in and join the party with his prodigal brother.