Part Two: I Get By With A Little Help From My Friend

“As God said to Job, Checkmate.”
-Stephen Colbert

In what could only be the act of a sovereign God forcing his will on my rebellious heart, it occurred to me to confess everything to my parents. I know this was God’s idea, because if I actually confessed this would be the first time I ever confessed anything preemptively. In the past, confession was something that was usually dragged out of me, and never brought me any peace. Which, considering that the whole point of confessing something is to reveal something hidden, it’s pretty obvious why I never benefited from those past “confessions”. I obviously never really confessed in the true sense.

I’m getting ahead of myself a little bit. The period between my knowledge of Lacey’s pregnancy and the night I told my parents what was going on was about three days. In that time I was going through a whirlwind of emotions. Rage against my stupidity and arrogance, self-loathing, frustration, fear (the expression abject terror would be more accurate), misery…

Let me pause to make a side note, I am an extremely self-centered person, I had not one thought for how Lacey was coping with the situation, or what she was going through. I think I remember being a little jealous that her parents already knew, but I was definitely not concerned – in that moment – for her.

…Back to me and my temporary insanity (although calling it temporary might be giving me too much credit). I was suicidal for most of the waking hours of those few days. I could feel the weight of the future rushing toward me (remember Indiana Jones and the rolling ball?) and the more I put off telling my parents the truth the more depressed I got. I guess that was a good thing, because if I stayed the same, I probably could have remained in darkness indefinitely (if 9 months is indefinite).

The bottom line is that by Wednesday I just couldn’t take it anymore, I was either going to go with my current choice of self-termination (I was favoring something dramatic, like Elliot Smith without all the mess) or tell my parents the truth. Seeing as how you’re reading my account of the events, I guess I can’t milk what choice I made for much suspense but you can’t blame for trying right?

It took me a while to get it out, but my parents are patient people, and they could tell something was up. Have you ever tried to tell someone something and your whole body just shut down? I was moving my mouth and words wouldn’t come out. I could barely think, I would start to say something and all the wind would just be sucked from my body. I started to turn red; I’d take a breath and try again. I was soaked with sweat and tears; the anxiety alone was exhausting. Looking back I think that was the moment of my exorcism, and the first real moment of honesty.

After I finally said it, and my parents responded with the love and grace I should have anticipated but never expected, I understood the power of facing the truth and began to take my first steps toward the bright future that would be born out of that darkness. I actually came to understand a lot of things over those three days.

I realized that I had the capacity for great evil, and that none of my potential for good was my own. That was not one of the biggest and deepest moments of relief I ever felt. I wouldn’t learn until much later that it should have been.

Think about it, if I had to depend on myself for the inclination to do good, what good was the guy who knocked up his girlfriend and spent three days contemplating murder, suicide, and cowardice ever going to do? But seeing as how I had somebody to push me in the right direction, and He had just came through for me in ways I couldn’t have ever anticipated, I was inclined to put the ball in his hands, for the first time in my life.

I learned how to identify with sinners that week, probably because for the first time, I acknowledged that I was one.

It would be a pretty cute story if that were the end of it, but just because I had confessed, been forgiven, and was on the road to redemption, didn’t mean there were no consequences…